i thought i am but im not

yesterday i said i was ok..well i thought i was, but then again am not. long distance has taken its toll on me and im on the brink of giving up. realized that its not hurting myself like this and i dont know what's keeping me from holding on. i am in dire need of answers/solutions to my dillema. i have deduced to wanting to break up and just give up the whole six years that we've spent being committed to each other but a part of me didn't want that...or did i not want that because i'm afraid of being left out as the only single girl in the group. i do not want to be bitter about not being able to spend time with someone i cared for and be jealous to the others who have all been giggly and just plain inlove. i always end up being upset over things that i thought would help solve my situation.

there are a lot of questions going on in my mind right. am i creating my own monster? am i only holding on because i dont want to feel alone? am i really afraid of change that i cannot imagine living with him in a foreign land? am i really supposed to leave to be with him to have a more happy and meaningful life? am i being selfish for wanting to stay here? have i become too dependent that io cannot seem to live without him? will distance make your heart grow fonder? is it still worth fighting for? has my pride really gotten in the way of my own happiness? am i afraid of change? am i being selfish for wanting to stay here? is it really right to sacrifice what you think is important just to be with the one you love?have i lost myself in the process that i do not know what i really want exactly?

i have grown tired of doing this over and over..i already know the answers and yet i was somehow hoping it would change. it just doesnt seem right feeling all this...i dont know what i want anymore..i just want to accept everything as it is and just forget myself...forget that i ever think about stuff and just go on with everything even if think im not into it.i just want to give up and accept things as it is. its like accepting the fate you really dont want happening in your life. if love is all about sacrifices and not questing those things then does that mean im really not loving at all?im tired and weary and im not ok....